Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Good The Bad And The Ugly....Part Two

In my last post, I talked about my initial reaction to being grounded from blogland. It wasn't pretty. I challenged Blue's role as an HoH. My own commitment to DD and ability to submit, even especially when I don't want to, was sorely tested as well. The good part is, we both passed the test and came out of it much stronger.  Stronger in DD and stronger as a couple.


I ended my last post with me waiting for Blue to finish with our second spanking of the day. I was feeling ashamed of myself for making this so hard for both of us. Especially hard for Blue. He was so determined to do what had to be done, but it was equally hard for him to do it! Regular readers may remember Blue saying that he hates to really hurt me. He wasn't kidding. Punishment spankings have always been a hard thing for him. The results are what gives him the strength to get through them.  This spanking was no exception, and he finished what I had walked away from earlier.


By the next day, I was feeling back to my old self. Gone were the grumpies and I didn't feel any desire to needle Blue or be bratty. In the back of my mind, though I was thinking about that other spanking. The one I earned by walking away from that second spanking. The one he had told me I would be getting today. I really didn't want another one!  I had already had three. The initial one that Friday and those two on Saturday. They were all real punishment spankings, and they were all with the belt. My poor butt was already too sore to sit down without pain. Maybe he'll forget or change his mind! 


We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and the Sunday paper. I was engrossed in the latest book reviews when I felt Blue's intent gaze. I looked over to find him studying me.


I know you remember what I said yesterday. Let's get it over with and enjoy the rest of the day. I'll meet you there in a few minutes.


You really don't have to do that, Blue! I'm sorry that I walked away like that. I did go back didn't I? Wasn't that good enough!


Yes, that was good enough. I'm proud of you for doing that. That's not what this is about. You have to know that when I say you're getting a spanking, that's just what's going to happen. Please, don't make this any harder than it already is. Go. Now.


The last thing I want is a repeat of yesterday. I reluctantly went to our bedroom and undressed. The waiting again! I hate it! Mercifully, Blue is there in just a few minutes. He gestures for me to bend over the bed once again. I do and so it begins. Again. I'm not expecting Blue to go easy and he doesn't. This fourth spanking is just as intense as the other three.  I feel intense pain, but more than that. I realize in sheer disbelieve that I'm crying! I've never been able to cry during a spanking before. I always wanted to, it was a goal I had all but given up on. Suddenly, it's like a dam has given way and I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I'm shaking with the force of my tears. It's such a blessed relief. It's not about the pain, although I guess that was the trigger.  All those walls I spent years building up to protect that child I used to be came tumbling down. For good I think, I hope.  Blue is so shocked he stops and throws the belt down to gather me in his arms. I soak his shirt all the way through while he holds me tight. We lay together on the bed for a long, long time. I can't believe how I feel. Cleansed. Whole. Safe. Grateful. Madly in love with Blue.



The rest of my grounding from blogland was much easier and much less dramatic! Still, I really did miss everyone here. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say I had real withdrawal symptoms. I smoked for years and it was pure torture to give cigarettes up.  I used to guzzle Diet Coke all day every day, and when I quit, it was the second hardest thing to give up next to cigarettes. My addiction to blogland wasn't quite so severe, but it ranked up there somewhere. Good thing Blue took me in hand when he did, a few more weeks and I may have been a hopeless addict, lol!


I got caught up on the little things that had been neglected. I reconnected with a really good friend. I got back into my workout routine. It is a little disheartening how quickly I lost endurance. I'll get it back though. I had a girls day out with several friends that included lunch and shopping. Blue came home to a clean orderly house and hot home cooked meals. I even managed to make some really good desserts....Yes, Blue is once again a happy camper. And, so am I.


I think I have regained some perspective. No matter how good the posts, no matter how fascinating the stories, blogland is not my priority. Not even close.  No blog, including my own will be more important than what I have here with Blue and taking care of my home and yes, even myself. I also have a part time business that will require lots more attention in the coming months.


I've made a little sign out of Bonnie's advice and posted it by my computer. I can't help but see it every time I sit down here. It simply says "Make your blog fit your life. Don't make your life fit your blog." 


A hard lesson learned, but maybe that's the best way to learn one?  Blue has not given me any restrictions as far as how much time I can spend here. He has no desire, or time, to micro-manage me. I'm free to spend as much time here as I want. With one BIG condition. Everything has to get done and get done right. Just like it was while I was grounded. Just like it used to be. If I can't manage that, right back to bending over the bed I go, followed by blogland being off limits again. I'm pretty sure it will be longer than a week next time. 



Several bloggers commented that they give themselves time away from blogland on a regular basis. I think that's pretty smart, and I 'm going to do the same now and then. If I find myself coming down with a case of blog fever again, I plan on walking away for a day or two. Way better to police myself than have Blue do it!











54 comments:

  1. Wow.
    Your hiatus was wonderful in so many ways. You prioritized your life with Blue, your friends, work, health and blogging. That in and of it itself is remarkable, but to also have a breakthrough emotionally is incredible.
    What a wonderful post about looking inside yourself and accepting acceptability.
    Inspirational, Sweetie, really inspirational. :)

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    1. Hi Lillie :) It was a big, big few days for me, no doubt.
      I'm thinking that the best things in life have the highest price, but so well worth it. Glad you found it inspirational. I didn't really think it was, actually, I think this is my least favorite post. I'm a little frustrated that I couldn't seem to find the right words to truly convey how I felt. I guess, it's close as I can get it though. Thank you for your most kind words. You're a true blogland friend :)

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  2. Glad it all worked out for you. Hard lessons learned the hard way are usually the ones that stay with us forever. Great post.

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    1. Thank you so much, Sunnygirl. I think I'm one of those people who just have to leasrn things the hard way. :)

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  3. Wow! What a week you had...a breakthrough, a fresh perspective, straightened out priorities. It sounds like the time away was really helpful, and the spankings were as well, even though they were understandably hard to to get through. Good for you!

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    1. It was an amazing week, Tess. I guess Blue knows what he's doing! No question, the time away was very useful for me. Thank you for commenting :)

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  4. I am also glad you guys worked it out. I also think it is important to remember that it is just a blog, or lots of blogs, but not real life. Plus, if you don't have a real life because you are too busy being on blogland, then you have nothing to write about. At least that is how I look at at!

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    1. Hmmmm, what an excellent point, Julia. If all I have to write about is reading blogs, because that's all I've done......Yeah, I don't think that would go over very well! I think how you look at things is pretty smart. Thanks for sharing! :)

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  5. Amazing CG :) It sounds like the break did you a lot of good. It is soooo easy to get caught up with all of the reading, but you are right....nothing is important as your life with Blue. And, yay for being able to cry. I get the same feeling of being cleansed if I can just get a good cry in, and not just a sniffle.

    So glad to have you back :)

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    1. Hi Lucy :) I'm glad you understand and have had the hugely cleansing experience of crying. I really have been missing out. It was all worth it, just for that moment! Thank you so much for your kind support. I appreciate you :)

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  6. Wow CG!! This is a very inspirational post. I'm glad you had an emotional break through! Those can be so hard but so good. I think blogging can be so addictive! It is easy to spend hours reading blogs. I think it would be helpful for most of us to start policing ourselves before the HoH has to step in. :)

    Thanks for a great post!

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    1. Hi Nikki :) I'm happy you enjoyed the post. It is way too easy to get addicted to blogland. It should come with some kind of warning. Like they have on cigarettes, or prescriptions, lol! Seriously, I hope it never becomes a real issue for you. I was so happy for you and Moose when I read your last post. Thank you for commenting, I love knowing that you were here! :)

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  7. Good for you Cowgirl! I am struggling too with balancing blog land. First I was reading everything I could find about DD to learn as much as I could, now I am still tiring to do that while documenting my own journey. Something's gotta give and it won't be at my families expense.I am with you on trying to monitor yourself! Best wishes to you!

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    1. Hi Blue Bird :) Yes, I can see you understand the problem. It is really, really difficult to find the right balance, isn't it? I guess we'll all have to decide for ourselves just what it is that's going to give. All I know for sure is what isn't going to give! Thank you sharing your own experience. Best wishes to you as well! :)

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  8. Ouch and yet what a wonderful breakthrough for you! I'm so glad you finally told us about part 2 and that you were able to get back on track. (((hugs)))

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    1. Hey Lil Misses :) There was a pretty big gap between one and two wasn't there! Truthfully, I just couldn't decide how much I wanted to share. I almost published a much lighter version of this. I'm firmly back on track I think! Thanks for those hugs and your comment! (((hugs)))

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  9. Hey :) great post. Sorry it was so rough getting there. It amazed me when I managed a tear or two too, but if felt good to find that elusive release. Some good advice and reminders in there too :)

    Dee x

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    1. Dee, pleasure to have you back :) Tears are great aren't they! I think of crying in a whole different way these days. They are certainly not the sign of weakness I thought they were. The rough ride was so worth it after all. Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. Good for you. Sorry it included so many punishments but in the end it sounds like it was for the best. Blogging can feel a little addictive sometimes and this is a good reminder to keep it in moderation. All the best.

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    1. Thanks Zoe :) It did work out for the best. I usually have to do everything the hard way, lol! All the best to you as well.

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  11. My respect for Blue. What he did must be the most difficult thing he ever did.
    Blogland will still be there when you're away a few days.
    Bonnies advice is gold, as are all her advices.

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    1. Hi Bas. Yes, it was a hard few days for Blue. Poor guy probably was regretting the whole thing for a while there. I'm not planning on giving him, or myself, such a bad time for a good long time, if ever.

      You're right, blogland is not going anywhere. The worst that can happen is I miss some posts, right?

      Thanks Bas, I really do like to hear a HoH's take on things. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting!

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  12. I am glad to read the second part and think you impart wise counsel here for all. I feel similar sentiments. No matter how good the post, reading other blogs, etc. nothing can take the place of being a good wife and meeting priorities in life. So glad you had some girls days (that sounds like fun!). I am sorry about the FOUR spankings along the way, but when I made it to your breakthrough then I moved from being sorry to being happy for you. Thanks for sharing and thanks for giving a reminder that speaks to me. Hugs.

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    1. Hi SNP :) I'm very happy if I was able to say anything that you find helpful or that speaks to you! I'm glad we share similar feelings about blogland. I think you've had to find your own balance if I remember correctly. I did have my fun too while I was away. There's not much better than spending an afternoon with your girlfriends is there? Except maybe coming home to your man that is!

      I guess four spankings, while very hard to take, was just what I needed to break through those walls. It sounded pretty harsh, I know. I did worry that some wouldn't understand this post. I almost didn't publish it, but go with a much lighter version instead. I'm glad that you understood and that you're happy for me. Your opinion has come to really matter to me, SNP. I thank you for your support and kind comments! :)

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  13. It sounds rough for both of you, but also an incredible step forward in so many ways. Nice job!

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    1. Thanks! It was pretty rough, Saoirse. Very well worth it in the end though! Thanks for visiting :)

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  14. I really felt so bad for BOTH of you. I was thinking how you could possibly walk into the room for number 4. I am sure Blue was sick too. But that release sounds wonderful.

    Your advice about blogland is heard very clearly by me. I spend too much time, and if I let it- it will replace real life experiences. Keeping perspective is the operative word. Thanks.

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    1. Hi Minelle :) Glad you heard the warning that's in there! It is so easy to get carried away by blogland isn't it?! Happens sooo fast too.

      That release was....well, mere words fail me. I know this post was pretty harsh at times. Truthfully, walking back to our room for number four was not easy. Understatement of the year, maybe! The look in Blue's eyes will not be forgotten by me any time soon. I don't plan on putting him in such an agonizing position again.

      Thank you for commenting. I appreciate you :)

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  15. Sounds like a bit of a rough time, Cowgirl. I think it's great Blue followed through though, that takes great strength and it will make both of you stronger, too.

    It is for sure hard to balance blog time -- it's just too fun! ;) But I think you did a great job getting through that hurdle. *hugs*

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    1. Hey Riley :) It was one rough ride for sure. Yes, there's not one doubt in my mind now that Blue will follow through come hell or high water! A good thing to know. I imagine it will cut down on a lot of bratting on my part, lol!

      Blogland really is just too fun sometimes! So many excellent bloggers, so little time....Thanks Riley! (((HUGS)))

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  16. Hiya Noodlehead! :)

    Sorry...I couldn't help myself.

    I am so glad that you had that experience of crying it out. I wonder if that will come more easily now because I agree. It's very cleansing and it really sounds like both of you grew by leaps and bounds over this brief period of time.

    Bonnie is right and you came out of this with the perfect perspective. Those little breaks that you decide to take are far more fun that having your time restricted by someone else.

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    1. Yay!! I'm one of Susie's noodleheads!! A very exclusive club and I'm proud to be part of it. Thanks, Susie! :)
      (So you did read my reply to your last comment, huh?)

      I'm glad I got to have a good cry too. It's been a goal to cry during a spanking since the beginning. I also wonder if it'll be easier in the future? I hope so. I'll let you know. Although, I have no intention of getting a punishment spanking ever ever ever again!!! (Or, at least not anytime soon, lol!)

      Yes, I do think breaks of my own making will be so much better! Thanks for the kind words, Susie :)

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    2. Yes I did read your comment. :) I actually remember thinking "noodlehead" but you were in a sort of hard place and I didn't want to accidentally hurt your feelings.

      We are a proud club of under and over achievers in so many different saucy ways. Very glad to have you join!

      Yep, punishments are awful. I'm working hard to avoid one myself this week.

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  17. Standing ovation for you and Blue! Keep up the great work. :)

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Well, thank you Cat! I'm flattered and I know Blue will be too. I'll do my best. I don't plan on being in that position again, either literally or figuratively, anytime soon!
      Blessings to you too. (((HUGS)))

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  18. Ouch ouch ouch....OUCH!

    But good for you for being so sensible and pragmatic and taking your punishment like a big girl. You learned from the experience, changed, and now just maybe you won't ever earn it again. Wouldn't that be wonderful!!

    Hugs.

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    1. Hi Ana :) That's about right. Four ouchies for four spankings! The last one was the biggest one too!

      Well, I earned the punishments, I guess the least I could do was take them like a big girl should. I think I did learn a thing or two. I really, really doubt I'll ever earn quite so many at one time ever again, Ana!

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  19. Holy smokes, FOUR spankings. You are one brave, tough, and in love woman. I respect Blue's point but......

    Anyway, your point is a good one. I learned this early with school; I would not let myself do any fun things until my school work was completed. Meaning if the prof assigned 500 pages to read before next week, I then budgeted 100 pages had to be read before fun time. Not easy at all.

    Do you think Blue would restrict you so quickly while you are figuring out your schedule? Sigh. It's hard to be good.....

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    1. Hello Isabella and welcome! What a pleasure to see you here :) Unfortunately, I earned every one of those spankings. It didn't have to be so hard. I learned my lesson though, that's not happening again!

      I think your example of taking yourself in hand is a good one! Very sensible advice. In much the same way, I've been trying to use blogland as a kind of reward for myself, AFTER completing a chore. It's working pretty well so far. I've still lost track of time a few times, but not to the extent that I did before. Still, it's something to be aware of and guard against.

      Blue was patient with me for several weeks. He finally just got fed up. I had some warnings, I just chose to not take them seriously enough. I'm all out of warnings. Blue won't take kindly to having the same problem with me again.

      I know, it is very hard to be good! Sometimes just thinking about what happens if you're not, is enough motivation to give it your best shot, lol!

      Thank you so much for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment! :)

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  20. Finding balance is so hard, but it sounds like you are well on your way! It constantly amazes me how ttwd seems to strengthen just about everything in our relationships. I'm with you... when he punishes me, even when he doesn't want to, it reassures me and I feel so loved and taken care of and safe. Such an amazing feeling. I even LOVE feeling sore after because it not only reminds me of the lesson, but more importantly, reminds me of his love. I'm so glad it worked for you... even if it was hard!

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    1. Hi Rosie :) Balance is so important, but so hard to find somtimes! I think I'm getting enough practice, I should be an old pro someday, lol. Yes, when they punish out of love, you sure can feel it, can't you! I think the soreness afterwards is a good thing too. For one, it's a great reminder to not do that again, and I agree, a tangible sign of his love. Thanks Rosie, for understanding!

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  21. Great post Cowgirl, you had such a rough time initially but look at how much you have gained from the experience. Perspective and growth, both within yourself and together. Blue showed strength throughout, though it was hard on both of you. You guys have taken huge steps forward through this.

    Good idea to give yourself a little break from blogland from time to time.

    I'm so glad you had an emotional breakthrough and release. I wonder if this will be easier for you to achieve from now on.

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    1. Thanks Roz :) It was pretty rough for a few days, but I did learn a lot. Maybe that's what it takes sometimes. For me anyway. Blue was amazing. I have no doubt now whatsoever that he can/will do what he has to. That goes a long ways with me! I am hoping that emotional releases will be much easier in future. It does make sense that once you break through, the stage is set for more?! Thanks again, Roz for commenting.

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  22. A couple of commenters have said it, and that was the thing that struck me - balance - not just your time, but between you and Blue. No growth comes without some kind of pain, but it's usually well worth it.

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    1. All too true, June! I do think it was all worth it for the outcome. Balance is key to so many things in life. So very hard to find at times though. Thank you so much for taking the time to come see me and add your comments. I appreciate you :)

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  23. Hi, CG. My brain is fuzzy this morning, trying not to catch this flu-like ick that D has had for days. I know I have something original, thought-provoking, encouraging and witty to say to this, but dadgum if I can put it into a coherent sentence (paragraph, novella, treatise...). I'll try simple and succinct:

    That was quite a ride. You got thrown off the bucking blog bronc, and Blue dusted off your britches a few times. I like how you got back up on that horse, especially the 3rd and 4th times. I'm glad you are redefining your priorities, finding a better balance between the life you live and this place, the other ring where you need to come to better understand parts of ttwd. I'm especially glad you are able to get back in the blog saddle - we rodeo clowns need you as much as you need us, in moderation.

    Simple and succinct? FAIL. Lol! Later, Cowgirl!

    Irishey

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    1. Ah, Irishey :) A belated top of the morning to you! I sincerely hope you were able to fight off the ick and are feeling healthy as a horse by now. I did happen to catch your comment on Roz's blog, if you have to be sick though, what better to get there! *wink, wink*

      You always seem to find just the right things to say! A special talent all us bloggers have come to appreciate and even anticipate so much!

      I did have quite the ride, Irishey. Too bad they lasted a bit longer than 8 seconds, lol! My grandma used to always accuse me of *getting too big for my britches* She was rather indulgent about it. Blue, is not so inclined! He sure is getting good at dusting 'em off for me!

      This blog saddle is feeling pretty broken in and comfortable these days. I'm glad I got back on too! There is an abundance of riders here in blogland, very good ones too, but they and I would just be riding in an empty arena without readers like you. I think we need you waaaay more than you need us!

      Thank you Irishey. As always, you're a good friend who makes me smile! Be well! :)

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  24. So beautiful - to be able to let your walls come down and feel so cherished. Yay, cowgirl!

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    1. Thank you Renee Rose! I'm so glad you understand. I appreciate your kind comment :)

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  25. Wow Cowgirl. It sounds like a rough few days to say the least. Yet I can tell a lot of good things happened during your break. Blue seems to do such a good job of leading the two of you. He deserves so much credit for getting you both through such a rough time! Hugs!!

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    1. Molly Rose! Don't get to see you much anymore! I know and understand how very busy you are right now though. I'm sure you will be now through the wedding at least! I sure appreciate you taking the time to comment. It was rough, but we couldn't be better now. Blue is a very strong, confident leader these days. You take good care of yourself, don't get too worn out! (((HUGS)))

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  26. I'm sorry you got in so much trouble (ouch). I tend to go over my time a lot of times. My husband is not consistant, and I just gamble that he's not going to ask. I know that isn't submissive, but I struggle with it. I tend to do better after I get punished, but then punishment doesn't come for so long, and no questions, that I just go back to my old habit. Part of me likes the freedom, and part of me is ashamed since I know that I'm the one who asked for the boundries. I asked because I just wasn't disciplined myself, so him not disciplining me doesn't really help. Good luck with your new goal. I guess I told you all this so that in one way you'll be grateful that your husband is guiding you to be more productive and self disciplined. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

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    1. Hi Belle L. I'm so glad you came to visit and took the time to comment! I have to admit that I wished Blue wasn't so consistent several times. I really thought I wanted my freedom back too. It is very hard to be submissive at times, I know. For some it comes natural, but for us, not so much. I can see how it would be confusing and frustrating never knowing when rules will be enforced or ignored. I know consistency is a big, big issue for a lot of HoH's. I've seen so many good posts about that very subject here in blogland. Has your husband ever read any of them? One that really stands out in my mind, is one that Rogue wrote in a guest post on learningdd.blogspot.com. She wrote it just for HoH's and I remember it as being highly effective at explaining why consistency is so important.

      Thank you so much for your supportive words and blessings, Belle! God Bless You and Yours as well :)

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  27. I'm so glad that everything is ok now with you and your husband, poor girl four spankings with a belt, I really feel for you. If there is one person who knows what a belt can do it is me. Keep up the good work

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Thank you so much for your comments! I love knowing that you were here :)