Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Good The Bad And The Ugly... Part One

So, I was all set to publish my first post since my grounding from blogland. I wrote a nice, happy cheerful post about how beneficial my time off was and how I got my priorities straight, yada, yada, yada.  All true, but.....that's not the whole story. That's the second half of the story.


Because, before all that good stuff, there was some growing to do. On both our parts. I would like to say that I took my grounding with submissive good grace. But, I didn't. Not even close. I was pissed! Not so much because of missing blogland itself, although, I certainly did miss it and all my blogging friends/family. It was more the principle of the thing. I mean grounded...really! I haven't been grounded from anything by anyone since I was about what, 15?  Being grounded rankled.


When Blue came home that Friday night, I was still doing chores. Chores that should have been done earlier in the day. I hadn't even started on the evening meal. This wasn't the first time either, and I had no good excuse. Blue asked what I had been doing all day.  When Blue asks me a direct question, I just can't lie. DD or no DD, I'm just not capable of lying to him. He asked how much time I had spent on the internet. I told him, no choice. His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together in that way they do when he's upset.


There's no doubt that this time, I will be spanked for my lack of time management. He has me wait in the bedroom while he cleans up.  I really hate the waiting part, but finally, after a few hours, (no, more like 15 minutes) Blue appears in the doorway. With his belt. Sigh, so it's going to be one of those. He gestures for me to bend over the bed, which I do. He starts slow and easy while telling me how disappointed he is that I can't manage my time any better than that. He asks what I need to change, do I need him to make me a schedule. He has been progressively getting harder with his swats during all this talking. I have managed to answer pretty intelligently for several of his questions, but now I'm not really capable of that. It's all I can do to maintain my position without either putting my hand back or sidling away out of the strike zone. Holy s**t, that belt hurts!  I grit my teeth and ride it out! Finally, Blue stops and steps back. I stand and turn around to face him. He pulls me into his arms and soothes me for several minutes. We sit down (ouch), to talk about blogland and my obsession with it. He breaks the news that besides the spanking I just had, I'm also grounded from blogland for a week!


At least, the next morning, Saturday, Blue allowed me a few minutes to say goodbye to you guys. I didn't want to just disappear, and he understood that. I hurriedly wrote that post about being grounded and then signed off.


I'm not so proud of my behavior during the next few days. I was a brat. Literally. I got under Blue's skin in a thousand different ways. I was grumpy. I was irritable. I was sarcastic. I was rude. Blue's resolve as a HoH was sorely tested. He stood fast. He stayed cool, calm and collected and didn't back down an inch. He spanked me twice that first day. I earned both of them. I needed both of them.  I had trouble submitting to the second one. I was still feeling bratty. I know you're probably thinking, wow, what an idiot! You would be right.


Anyway, so there I was bending over the bed for the second time in one day, when I just basically stood up and walked away!  It wasn't because of the pain, although, I assure you it was plenty painful. A spanking on an already red burning butt is seriously not fun! I do not recommend it. I'm still not exactly sure what came over me, I just decided I'd had enough. Enough spanking and maybe even enough of DD. I have never once felt that way before. A stunned Blue watches me walk away. I go into the living room and sit on the couch.


Blue is there standing over me in seconds.

We're not finished. I suggest you get yourself back in there. You've just earned yourself another spanking tomorrow. But now, we're going to finish what we started today. One way or another, we're going to finish this!


For the first time in over 20 years, I'm a little bit afraid of Blue. The feeling shocks me all the way down to my toes. Looking up at him in shock, I see he is fully prepared to toss me over his shoulder and carry me back to the bedroom if it comes to it. Looking more closely, I see he's just as distressed as I am.  Suddenly, I feel ashamed. What am I doing to him, to us?


In this moment, DD is more real than it ever has been. We have been living the life for 6 months now, but it's never been THIS real. I have a choice to make here. I can say the words "I don't want to live in DD anymore."  Or, I can submit. This isn't a game. It's real. Am I in or not. I can't have it both ways. I can't only submit when I feel like it. I can't only submit when I agree with Blue. I have to submit all the time. Even when it's the very last thing I want to do.


I stand up and silently make my way back to our bedroom and bend over the bed.  I wait for Blue to come and finish what we started.





59 comments:

  1. Awww CG - Sorry you had such a tough time. You hit the nail on the head - it is much easier to submit when you agree with a decision but sooo much harder when you don't.

    You should be very proud of how you handled the situation in the end, especially knowing how painful it was going to be. You should also be very proud of your Blue for staying calm and consistent.

    I wonder if next year you (and maybe Blue) will look back at this time as one of the defining moments in your journey.

    So happy that things are better and your are back in blogland.

    Hugs,
    Cst

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    1. Hi Cat and thanks! Yeah, my respect for Blue went up another few notches. I guess I did okay in the end too, I just regret I put us both through such drama and made things so hard for the man! I already think of that day as a major defining moment in our DD journey! Maybe it was bound to happen sooner of later. I would have to seriously challenge Blue as an HoH to know he was solidly on board. There's no question about that he is! It's good to know....

      I am happy to be back "home" too. I appreciate you stopping by as always, Cat! :)

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  2. CG,
    I am so here for you. I have a task, don't want to do that task, and I am having to decide IF I'm going to do. Sometimes this life is not so easy...

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    1. Hi Dana, happy to see you here again! I guess easy isn't always the best way, huh? I hope you do what you know you need to! You know you have a lot of support here in blogland.....

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  3. Wow... that is seriously a lot of strength. I don't think you're an idiot, I think I'd be the same way! I think most of us would. We're not meek women, used to taking orders, and to submit to one without a fight is nearly impossible after a lifetime of standing your ground. When we're upset, it's hard to remember (impossible even!) that we're gaining ground by giving it to him.

    But wow... I'm not sure I could've handled that! You're a strong woman, Cowgirl. :)

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    1. Thanks Rosie! I do feel a little like an idiot for earning that second spanking. Why couldn't the first one have got through my thick head! True, I'm not naturally submissive and I (still) feel pretty rebellious at times. I guess it's a good thing I have an equally determined HoH. I would walk all over a weak man! I appreciate your support, Rosie! :)

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  4. I've been waiting to see when you would have a new post up. I saw you got out and about in blogland a little bit and it was nice to see you:) Well, I am proud of you for getting up and walking back into the bedroom. Mature and committed. Being grounded does not sound fun and I can tell it was not. I look forward to Part II. I know you must be stronger and better because of all that has taken place. I will be glad to see a post whenever it comes up and I know you will make wise decisions about blogging. HUGS and welcome back!

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    1. Hi SNP! :) No, it wasn't much fun being grounded. I guess it brought out the child in me for a little while! I think I grew up pretty fast during my walk back to the bedroom though. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I learned a lot from the experience. I don't think I'll forget it anytime soon, or ever.

      Thank you so much for the welcome back and your kind supportive words! I have come to think of you as a good friend to me here in blogland, and I'm always happy to see you here! (((HUGS)))

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  5. Wow. You are my inspiration. That had to be incredibly hard to go back and finish. Cat is right, you should be proud of how you handled the situation and how consistent Blue was all week.

    Hope things are easier this week. :)

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    1. Hi Nikki :) Thanks, I don't know if I've been anyone's inspiration before! It would have been better to have not put myself in that situation to begin with, but it did work out pretty well. I'm not proud of how I got there, but I am happy I did the right thing in the end. Blue was/is a rock! Things are going much better this week. I know things are going very well for you and Moose too! That's wonderful! Thanks again for your comments! :)

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  6. Submission is certainly not for the faint-hearted. It takes guts to submit, especially when you don't agree with your husband's decisions. Your husband also showed a lot of inner strength in this case - such a vital element for a successful leader. It sounds like you both weathered this challenge quite well.

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    1. Hello, how wonderful to see you here. I love your blog, it's so well written and informative. I agree, I know some think that being submissive means being weak, but nothing could be futher from the truth. I knew my husband was a strong, determined man, but I have to admit to being a little surprised by him. My respect for him went up several notches from the whole experience. Thank you so much for stopping by! :)

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  7. That had to be so very difficult. I know that I also am guilty of putting off my work at home when I am drawn into blogland. The challenging part is taking the criticism and punishment, using it as a positive and motivating experience.

    The days I am not working outside of the home I consider the house my 'job' That makes me more accountable, but also filled with remorse when my husband works incredibly hard, and I slack. I am not accusing you of slacking. Just me.

    I have to give you credit going back in when so painful, must have been hard.

    But I hope you share that you both talked and resolved things. I remember Blue saying how hard it was to punish you.

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    1. Oh, I was slacking Minelle. I did feel guilty about it, but even then, I wasn't strong enough to make myself walk away and get busy with all the things that needed to be done. It's pretty strange, I have successfully stopped smoking, guzzling diet coke, stuck to a workout routine, etc.. There's something about blogland that is just mesmerizing to me!

      Blue has a very hard time hurting me for real. That's the biggest reason I felt so ashamed of myself as I was sitting on the couch looking up at him. I was making an already gut wrenching thing even harder for him. I really believe him when he says that punishment spankings hurt him more than me.

      Thanks you for sharing your own experiences, Minelle. I appreciate you so much! :)

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  8. I can't say I know what you were going through, but maybe/hopefully it resulted in you guys doing some major growing together. Understand what DD really is, submitting, but sorry for your bum. Being spanked on an already well spanked butt really really hurts, I know...

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    1. Hi Julia :) You're right, DD = submitting! That's it in a nutshell. It's hard for me to do sometimes though. I'm not really naturally submissive. We had a major growth spurt last week. Painful, but neccessary, I guess. Yes, being spanked on an already sore butt takes things to a whole new level, doesn't it! Then, I still had one to get through the next day! Thanks for stopping by, Julia!

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  9. ((((hugs))) Wow Cowgirl! You are an inspiration. I am not sure I could've gone back. Good for you!

    I'm so glad you are back.

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    1. Thanks lil misses! I love being an inspiration :) I'll bet you could have done the same if you really, really, had to. You're a strong woman. I can tell just from reading your blog. Thank you so much for the welcome back. I appreciate that! :) (((HUGS)))

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  10. Girl, you have an HOH with Gusto! Ouch, ouch and double ouch! H uses a wooden paddle that stings like the Dickens. I hate it, and he knows it.
    You're lucky that Blue is so dedicated to helping you with this "addiction". ;-)
    Yes, submission is a choice we make over and over again. Not just once- "even when it's the last thing that I want to do."
    Nice post. I'm scratching my head that there's a Part 2 - this was a lot on it's own!
    Glad you got through that one. :-)

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    1. Hi Elysia! Blue does everything with lots of gusto! I guess I shouldn't be surprised he brings that same gusto to his HoH role. I have to admit, that I was a little surprised at how rock solid he was. He really does hate hurting me, but was determined to do what had to be done.I have always had great respect for Blue, but even more so now! Submission doesn't come easy for me sometimes, hopefully as time goes on it will get easier and easier? Part 2 will be a much happier post with all that yada, yada, stuff, lol!

      Thanks for stopping by, Elysia. I love having you here! :)

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  11. Yikes! I thought about you and wondered how things were going..... I had a feeling. Well, it all ends good though, right?
    Once grumpy sets is, it is just about impossible to hit the kill switch.
    I am glad it all worked out for the best and your HoH was right there for you. :)
    I am also selfishly glad that you are back :) Now please get your chores done so we don't lose you again :D

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    1. Hi Lillie :) Yes, it all ends well! It was one of those painful growth spurts that have to happen now and then, I guess. I learned just how committed Blue is to this lifestyle, which is good to know. I know I can count on him 100% to be rock solid with me as needed. In most ways, that's a good thing, but it also serves as a warning. I won't be getting away with much anymore!

      I'm glad to be back too! I will do my best to not be "lost" again, lol! Thanks for being such a good friend, Lillie. I appreciate you so much. :)

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  12. You made the hard choice, and I'm sure you don't need me or anyone else to tell you it was the right one. Looking forward to hearing the second half of the story and the yada, yada, yadas;)

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    1. I wonder why the hardest choice is usually the right one! Much like if something tastes really good, it's probably bad for you. Too bad, it doesn't work just the opposite. Thanks for commenting, Tess. Yes, please do stay tuned for all those yada, yada's, lol. :)

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  13. Wow, that is amazing. You guys toughed it out, and it sounds like you came through it well. There must be something about the six month mark.....we just hit it here too...and boy, oh boy I have been a handful. I really enjoy your blog, and I can so relate to a lot of what you say. And....I am glad that you are back :)

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    1. Hi Lucy Lou! :) You know, I've wondered about that 6 month mark too. I've read in several different places about something that happens right about then. Now, I'm curious how many others have gone through it! It also makes me wonder about when to expect other growth spurts. I know we still have some growing to do, but this was a pretty major week for both of us. Pretty painful, but necessary. Maybe we need to be handfuls sometimes! Good luck to you, Lucy Lou with your own growth spurt. Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm glad you decided to start your own blog too, it's great! :)

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  14. It it must be amazing when you first have that moment when it feels REAL! Other bloggers have spoken about this as well. My DH and I are so new that we're not there just yet. He gave me a warning about testing him that made me weak in the knees. That did give me a glimpse into what that moment will feel like.

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    1. Hi Michele :) That moment is pretty amazing. The feeling is so hard to describe. It's part wonderful, part terrifying, but it feels so right! I can relate to the weak in the knees thing. I well remember that first time when Blue said he would be my HoH, and that he would "take care of me" when I needed it. I wish you much good luck on this crazy wonderful journey we call DD. Thank you for commenting! :)

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  15. Glad you are back on line. Sorry the punishment was harsh but glad you were able to make the strides toward your dd objective. You are definitely a tough cowgirl.

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    1. Hi Sunnygirl, and thanks, I'm happy to be back! I guess sometimes, I need harsh to really "get it." If you're going to call yourself a cowgirl, you'd better be a least a little bit tough, lol! :)

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  16. I am so impressed with how you both handled this... his resolve and your decision to submit. You made the right decision and I have to believe that it helped you both move forward even if it was difficult.

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    1. Thanks, Zoe. I appreciate you saying so! It was difficult, but I think we both took a giant step forward in our DD journey. :)

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  17. yikes. you just up and left? what were you thinking?

    but good on you for going back in there and finishing it up

    we're all totally impressed. and i bet he's doubly impressed at your obedience.

    *hugs*

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    1. Hello Fondles, and welcome to my blog! Wonderful to see you here. Yep, just up and left! I guess I was thinking I could be a brat and get away with it, lol! As it turns out, I can't. A very useful lesson to learn I think. Blue impressed me a lot in how he handled himself, he did tell me that I impressed him too. Afterwards...

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  18. Awe CG, I can soo relate. As you know, we both received spankings and were grounded at the same time (fancy that!).

    I am so sorry you had a rough start. I did too, I wanted to brat and sulk really badly and tested a bit for the first few days. You are right, it is so much easier to submit when you agree. But it can't be a part time thing, you can't only submit when you want to.

    I can also relate to you saying DD has never been this real. It was a very intense week for us as it was a week of "DD firsts". Prior to this there had never been groundings or set bedtimes or sustained consequences and like Blue, Rick was sold throughout. I think it was groundbreaking for us in that respect.

    Good on you for submitting and how you handled the situation overall. You should be proud.

    Maybe we will both look back on our experiences as a defining moment in our DD journey's and a time of growth.

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    1. Hi Roz, I know, we both crashed at the same time, lol. We're sisters in our spanked/grounding experience! I know you handled it much better than I did though! You should be proud of yourself. You wanted to be bratty too, but you were able to act like a mature adult from the get-go.

      There were several firsts for us as well. Besides the grounding itself. I knew Blue was committed, but I don't think I fully appreciated just how much until he came after me when I walked out on him. I've always had great respect for Blue, but that really took him up several notches in my mind. Just knowing I will not get my way, no matter how much I might fight him, really helps me to submit. I like knowing that although I like to think of myself as a strong woman, Blue is more than my equal in that regard.

      I already do think of that experience as a major defining moment in our journey. Growth isn't always pleasant, but necessary. Thanks Roz, for your support! :)

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  19. Awww...you did okay! Blue did great too. Honestly, we have to learn these hard things. It's silly to not pay attention to them and ignore the lessons but you didn't and chose to do the right thing.

    Those "clear as day" moments are defining. As hard as it was, it's something you'll remember for a long time.

    Can't wait for part 2.

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    1. It's okay, Susie. You don't have to be so polite. Go ahead and call me a noodlehead, I can take it, lol! I will definitely not forget the lessons I learned from this experience. Often, I have to learn things the hard way! Part 2 will be coming soon.....Thanks so much for your comments, Susie! :)

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  20. I just found your blod through a comment on Fonldes Dr. Suess post and can't wait to read more. I don't think you are an idoit at wll. We are about 11 month in and I have many of the feelings you expressed here today. Especially about the grouding, its hard to take but it will get easier with time. It was great to see you noticed that he was having a hard time with it too and you did the right thing.

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    1. Hi dancingbarez, I'm happy you found me! Thanks for not thinking I'm an idiot! I kind of feel like one for making everything so much more difficult for myself as well as Blue.

      So, you're at 11 months. I wonder, did you have any problems like this at around 6 months? It seems like it may be a pretty common time to have a painful growth spurt of some kind.

      I'm glad to hear that grounding and such will get easier! Blue does hate to hurt me. I was making it so much harder for him, but still, he was determined to do what he had to.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your own experiences. I do appreciate that! :)

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  21. I agree with the others. You messed up, but you learned from it. That is the important thing! Good for you. Here's to even more learning and growing.

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    1. Hi Ana, I promise I'll get by your blog soon! I have been meaning to for several weeks now! You know I have a time management issue. I certainly did mess up. A pinful lesson was learned though, so I guess it worked out fine in the end. Thanks, Ana, I appreciate you stopping by. :)

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  22. Hey, CG. Welcome back!

    Dang.

    The first part of this post sounds as though Part 2 is going to end better. I'm glad the two of you were able to talk through some things.

    It's okay that you felt rebellious and bratty over being grounded, and for having to take that second spanking. You feel what you feel. You put on your big girl boots and dealt with the repercussions of not handling yourself the way you wished you had when you felt grumpy. You did what your blog says you do - you cowgirl up and ride. Got a cushioned saddle, sugar?! ;-)

    Irishey

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    1. Irishey! Thanks for the welcome back :). I'm happy to be here!

      Yes, the second part will be happier. We did get several things worked out during my time away. For one, there's no doubt in my mind who the boss is around here. Two, even when I feel bratty, if I chose to act on it, I will be sorry! You're right, we do feel how we feel. I just have to think about how I'm going to express those feelings a little more carefully.

      I do feel obligated to at least try and live up to my blog name now and then, lol! I think both my saddles could use a little more cushioning, Irishey!

      Thanks for your support! I always love to see your comments :)

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  23. You both did an awesome job! I respected you so much the time you headed for the corner but couldn't quite make it-LOOK AT YOU NOW!

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    1. Hi there Saoirse! Thanks for stopping by :) I appreciate your encouraging comments. I guess, sometimes I have to learn things in the hardest way possible. Blue was a rock. I hope I'm not asked to go to the corner again, but if it happens, I think I may be able to do it!

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  24. Yay!! Cowgirl is back!! I've missed you friend!

    Sorry to hear you had such a rough time with the grounding. It sounds like a real growing time for you both.

    Now, stick around for a while okay? I need you around here! ;)

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    1. Molly Rose!!! Girl, I haven't seen you in too long! I missed you too, my good friend. We had a major growth spurt. It's a good thing in the end, (no pun intended) :)

      I do hope to be around for a while. I'll do what I have to, to stay! Thanks Molly Rose!

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  25. I'm so glad you recognized that he was as distressed as you were.
    Those are the moments every HoH dreads. He knows he has got to be firm, he has to do something and be strong.
    But you cannot beat her into submission. You cannot force her, even if that is what she expects you to do.
    Those moments are decisive, you can come out strong and together or heading towards disaster.
    You did great.

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  26. Hi Bas. I appreciate you taking the time to offer a view point from an HoH. I too am glad I took that second look and saw the pain on his face. I was so ashamed to be the cause of it. I think being an HoH must be incredibly hard. I'm thankful Blue is up for the job. We should have an HoH appreciation day!

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  27. Wow, I can really relate to a lot of this. There have been times I was grounded from something, and I decided to fight it with my attitude, and yeah....it didn't turn out well. Multiple spankings in one day? Yes..boy howdy yes.

    I think we both learned from it, as you did. I call it "growth spurts" when he turns a corner and I fight the progression. His growth spurts = my growing pains! But, its all part of the journey, and figuring out how this works for you, your unique dynamic.

    When we have been through something like that, and come out on the other side, we both have a clearer picture of each other and our roles, and what to expect. So overall, it means less chaos and confusion in the future.

    Its not easy though! I know all the emotions behind your words, things that are hard to even express on a blog. I do get that.

    As you said, its not a game. This is the way we have chosen to live and chosen to love. (its bound to get messy sometimes..)

    Hang in there. Six months mark is dicey.

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  28. Hi Stormy :) These growth spurts are definitely painful, I know just what you mean. I've discovered I'm not a big fan of multiple spankings in one day! I certainly did learn from that, I plan on avoiding those in the future if at all possible.

    It's just that sometimes I get these moods! I almost become a different person. The real (sane) me is screaming on the inside, stop it you idiot, but I just don't seem to be able to until it works out of my system. Luckily, it doesn't happen very often. Since starting DD, it happens less and less. Maybe someday, I'll banish my inner crazy woman, lol!

    I know, sometimes things have to be hard before they can get better. I'm touched that you understand the emotions behind my words. Sometimes, there is just no way I can express what I'm feeling with mere words.

    So, there really is something about the 6 months mark! Lucy Lou mentioned that in her comment above, and I know I've seen it mentioned in several different places since I've been blog reading. Very interesting! Now, I'm concerned about where the other big bumps in the road will be.

    Thank you so much for your support, Stormy. I really does mean the world to me. :) Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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  29. Cowgirl, thanks for sharing the good bad and ugly. Blue sounds like a great HOH and you really did cowgirl up when you went back for your spanking. Good for you!!

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    1. Hey Renee Rose :) Yeah, Blue has become a rock solid HoH. Sometimes, you get what you ask for in spades, lol! Thank you for reading my good, bad, and ugly, and for your kind words. I hope you're having a great weekend :)

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  30. For some reason I thought I had commented here, but apparently my computer is playing mind tricks on me! I am sorry you had to go through all that, doesn't sound easy. I've never been grounded, but I think you did very well in accepting it. I'm not sure I would have taken it so well, so good for you. *hugs* Happy to have ya back!!

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    1. Hi Riley :) Heck, it might be blogger messing with ya. Blogger is due a good long spanking, I think! No, the whole grounding thing wasn't easy, but I learned a lot about myself and Blue. Even as long as we've been married, there's still a thing or two to be learned. It's a good thing overall. I'm happy to be back. Thanks! ((HUGS))

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  31. You did good, Cowgirl . You should be proud, I bet Blue is :)

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    1. Thank you June! I'm not proud of the before which led to the whole ordeal, but yeah, we both done good! :)

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Thank you so much for your comments! I love knowing that you were here :)