Friday, August 24, 2012

For Divas Only!



I debated for several days on this post. Should I publish this or not. It is a little lot bizarre and it has absolutely nothing to do with DD. Still, it is so very funny....I guess if you're reading this, I finally hit the publish button.


I never in a million years expected to have a post about a feminine hygiene product. Wait, don't leave yet!   The following is a review I came across at Amazon.com about an alternative to the usual things you find at your local drugstore to deal with your, well you know.  This writer is so bust-a-gut-laughing funny, I just had to share it with you guys. Apparently, the reviewer is preparing for a trip to an exotic locale, and the vacation is coinciding with a certain monthly inconvenience. Oddly enough, she is writing under the name Ben Dover, but this a woman without a doubt.


Seriously, I haven't read anything this funny since Lillie's post about cat crack! If you haven't read that, do yourself a favor and check it out here.


Disclaimer: The following is pretty graphic at times, although it's done in a funny way. Some may find it offensive. If so, I apologize.


Still with me?  I hope you have as much fun reading this as I did......









So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup". Since feminine hygiene supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha.

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps. Now, I am no stranger to gore. Nor am I squeamish about my delicate rose of delight, except that I have no such illusions about it and indeed am always reminded of nothing so much as stuffing an oddly-warm raw turkey. So, when after several weeks of teasing, the Period Fairy threatening to postpone the Communist Invasion until I was actually getting on the plane (I was about ready to scream and cry at some hapless unwary male just as a sacrifice to appease her) at last I greeted the rosy-fingered dawn and set about embarking on my new life as a eco-friendly Diva.

The Moon Cup comes in two sizes; Size A, for youthful nymphs under 30 who have never given birth and have silken tresses and tinkling laughs and are all size 0, and size B, for Big Ol' Bitches like m'self, who have either spawned, or are so old (ie over 30) that they might as well have been poppin' them out like Duggar Donuts, because their sugar walls are now echoing corridors full of cobwebs and slackness. Of course the packaging phrases it more nicely, but I was miffed to see that despite having never replicated, I was still doomed to the Big Gulp size because of my age alone.

So, chalice in hand, fingers washed, and let's fold that thing like a taco (no, not THAT thing, the other thing!) and cram it up where only one man has gone before and even then not for a damn long time even when he WAS still around. I'm sure I imagined the rusty creaking sounds as I tried to shove something which was larger than anything previous (with the exception of various medical speculum's which, I believe, were constructed by the same person who designed the Montlake Drawbridge)into the Gaping Maw.

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel.

There is, also, a small stem at the base of this cup, which, being made of the same slippery silicon and about a centimeter long, is about as helpful as providing a live, untrained earthworm for a handle. More on this later.

So, rotate this thing in situ, to ensure a good 'seal' and a comfortable fit.

Does. Not. Happen.

Ladies (and gentlemen, although I hope for your sake none of you gentlemen are reading this), I tried. I hauled that thing in and out of there more times, and with much less joy, than Eeyore with his birthday present, and not once could I get that thing to "turn easily". I finally gave up, since it seemed, at one point, to be "fully inflated" and more or less in the right place. Frankly I think that having left my furrow unplowed for so long, I'm not exactly the proper degree of hotdog-hallway that the instruction-writer was intending to address, but so be it. Let's give this thing a whirl, if we can't give it a twist.

Fast forward a few hours in which I've done nothing much. To its credit, I don't feel the presence of THE CUP at all, no discomfort, not even a vague sense of "eugh" as I sometimes have when knowing all that stands between me and my khakis is a small cottony Dutch boy. In fact, I'm getting rather concerned that the Diva Cup has wormed its way in like some form of parasitic jellyfish and is now eagerly migrating up my fallopian tubes, with me all unknowing. Time to go fishing.

And that is where I discover that, while it's difficult to try and 'turn' a Diva Cup newly lodged in your sanctum sanctorum, it's a freakin' log-fall compared to trying to recover said Cup after it has gotten comfortably settled in the downy folds of your blood-engorged tissues. Yes, indeed, if cram my fingers up there to the point of pain, I can just, tantalizingly, tickle the end of that silicone 'stem'. Grasp it? Not in hell.

Of course the instructions say, if this happens, DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives. There were instructions for different positions, and "bearing down" and so forth, which I tried, to no avail, and I was pretty sure that my ham-fisted efforts (ahem) were just making things worse on the "swollen" front, so Diva and I took a break, and retired to our respective corners for an hour or so.

Now I brought out my secret weapon: Beer. If, gods help me, I ever have to have a baby, I intend to be drunk off my ass for the delivery, and I surely hope that the Fairy Prince Unicorn Elvis who is my chosen Babydaddy will provide a bedside IV of godly ambrosia, or at least Jim Beam. But anyway, two beers and I'm good to go spelunking in quest of the Holy Grail once more.

Either the beer, or the break, or the combination of all of these and squatting on the bathmat like a Neanderthal crapping, finally, produced enough of that  'stem' to grab (which was good, because I was dreading having use the kitchen tongs Up There or something) and, with a surprising amount of horrible suctioning "discomfort", the invader was routed! And, wonder of wonders, it was indeed partially filled. Not filled with DELICIOUS CANDY, no, but it did seem to have been, you know... -working-, before I so rudely dislodged it from its parasitic feeding. I felt a combination of grudging respect and intrigue, as one might upon meeting a foe worthy of their steel. Provided we could agree to disagree on the whole "turn 360 degrees in place" aspect, perhaps this could indeed be a workable partnership. Better than bleeding into the Rupununi and attracting every cayman, piranha, and candiru fish for fifty miles.

But not without some boundaries first. I tied a ROPE to that stupid stem this time.







30 comments:

  1. OMG! That was so funny! Especially because I have been thinking about buying one. Although this review really doesn't say, yay or nay...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Julia, glad you enjoyed it. I think she gave it 2 stars out of 5. It sounds like a pretty steep learning curve. I think I'll just stick with the drugstore stuff, lol. :)

      Delete
  2. OH. MY. GOD. that was so funny! I have got to get this post unto something so I can send it to my daughter - she will love it. Too funny. Thanks for the best laugh I have had in a good long time. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lillie! I'm happy you got a laugh out of it :) I hope your daughter does too.

      Delete
  3. ROFL, this is hysterical. Thanks for giving me a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're more than welcome, sunnygirl! :)

      Delete
  4. Ha! That was great! I actually own one. I don't use it anymore because I'm a wimp about pain. But I know exactly what she means.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like you can relate, lilmisses! It probably wasn't so funny when it was happening to you, I'll bet. :)

      Delete
  5. Picture the end of a school day and an empty classroom..... Me reading your post on my iphone... and LMAO! I was absolutely hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pictured it Minelle, and it made me smile! Are you sure there wasn't anyone out in the hall, lol? :)
      The first time I read it, I was laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. Hi Susie! I'm glad you thought so :)

      Delete
  7. Oh my word!! I was cringing and laughing the whole way through. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is pretty cringe worthy isn't it Molly Rose! I'm happy you got a laugh too. :)

      Delete
  8. OMG...loved this post...thank you for the story and the laugh...I love the way you write!

    stumblingchi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi stumblingchi, and welcome. I'm glad you're here! I wish I could take credit for the review, but I only wrote the introduction for it. I'm glad it made you laugh though. :)

      Delete
  9. This is too funny, I have never seen such and I think I'm kinda glad :-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi June! It is pretty funny, isn't it. Don't think you'll be getting one, huh? :)

      Delete
  10. Thanks for a great laugh! I am going to copy this to have whenever I need to laugh!
    CP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi CP, glad to see you here! No matter how many times I read it, it still makes me laugh. Glad it works for you too. :)

      Delete
  11. Thanks for the laugh Cowgirl Up. Hope you and Blue have a nice weekend:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why, thank you SNP! You're most welcome. Hope you have a fabulous weekend yourself. :)

      Delete
  12. I just heard of this product a few months ago. Now it keeps coming up. I'm with those of you who don't feel the need to give it a try.

    On the feminine product front--anyone else find those pads that say "have a nice period" under the pull off strip over the adhesive insanely annoying?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Emma! It does sound a little too adventurous :)
      I have seen the commercials for those pads. I don't know who came up with that slogan, but I bet it was a guy! He deserves a good swift kick, lol. Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  13. Hi Cowgirl,

    I bought one of these many years ago, although it had a different name. Very eco-friendly, it came in its own little cotton bag. My experience was pretty much the same as yours. Definitely NOT a good idea to remove it in a public bathroom with no shower handy!

    I found that if it was doing its job right, the little pointy stem hurt like the dickens. If I got it seated so it didn't hurt, well, it didn't do a thing.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hello Hermione! I'm happy to see you here and that you took the time to comment. This wasn't actually my own experience, I had thought about getting one, but have definitely changed my mind after reading this review and comments like yours. Why add any more trouble or pain to an already painful and troublesome experience, lol. I'm glad you got a laugh, Hope you'll visit me again! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, Cowgirl, tears streaming down my face, and it hurts from grinning and laughing! Great find! Thanks for sharing!

    Irishey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Irishey! I had pretty much the same reaction the first time too. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I love hearing I made someone laugh, even if it's not my own joke :) Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  16. I know this is an older post, but I had to tell you how much laughter you brought to an entire floor of nurses. A friend of mine is a GYN. nurse and they all decided this summer to give this thing a go. Heck I think they even had some charity thing they were in and they were the Diva Cup Girls. Anyway, I emailed this to my girlfriend last night at work. I naturally copied and pasted it.
    She emailed me right back to tell me the girls and her were ROTFL. !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Wilma :) It is hysterical isn't it? The Diva Cup Girls!! Now that's funny! It's never too late to comment, thanks for letting me know you and all the nurses got a laugh.

      Delete

Thank you so much for your comments! I love knowing that you were here :)