I really want to cry. I guess that sounds a little bizarre. I have read so many stories from so many different women who cry during a spanking. They describe what a wonderful release of emotion it is for them, how it brings them such peace of mind. They believe it brings them even closer to their HoH during and after the spanking, and that the whole comforting process is enhanced by crying. I understand that many HoH's judge the effectiveness of their spanking efforts on the flow of tears. I have to admit I'm a little jealous not to have experienced this for myself...yet.
From a pretty young age, I've felt I needed to be strong and tough. To me, showing emotion was showing weakness. If I had to cry, it was always done as privately as possible. Those times when I cried in front of anyone, I felt ashamed. Yeah, I had some issues. Like a lot of people, I had some really traumatic events while growing up. Not showing any weakness, like tears, was how I survived. I built some pretty strong walls around the real me to keep myself safe. The days when I needed those walls are long gone though, and I have worked pretty hard tearing those walls down. I am so much better about sharing how I really feel with the people I am close to. Just sharing this much with you would have been impossible for me not so many years ago.
The last time I got a punishment spanking, I knew hours in advance it was coming. I had one of those "OH CRAP, what have I done", goof ups. I knew my husband was going to be very upset with me when he got home. Getting a spanking, and a significant one at that, was a given. I was having trouble thinking of anything else, but was trying to distract myself with a good workout.
As I worked out, I was on autopilot. Just going through the familiar motions. I realized after a while what I was doing subconsciously. I was building up those walls to hide behind again. I was psyching myself up to get through that impending spanking. I was telling myself to not show any fear and be strong. I realized, this is what I have been doing for every single spanking. My husband is able to get me to talk during a spanking, but he's never been able to get me to cry. For me, it had nothing to do with physical pain. His spankings were certainly hard enough for that.
When I understood what I had been doing by building those walls, I stopped and started trying to tear then back down. It was working pretty well because I started to feel very vulnerable and kind of afraid. Almost on the verge of tears! Wow, what a major breakthrough! I managed to keep those walls down for several hours. I really tried to keep them down for the spanking, but I just couldn't. At least I know what's going on with me now, and maybe next time, I will be able to cry. I think it's a real possibility.