Saturday, July 21, 2012

How Living "As If" Became The Real Thing...

Okay, I guess it's time to get a little bit serious and share something about myself and my marriage. I've been married long enough that my husband and I really know each other in a way that no one else on the planet ever will. I feel very lucky to have married such a good and decent man. I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him, but I thank God everyday that he's in my life. He is one of those people who really would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He's a wonderful father and an even better husband to me, as well as being my best friend. I automatically feel safe just because he walked into the room.

Before I start sounding too pollyanna and sweet, I have to say we have had our problems just like any other couple. Some serious and some mostly just annoyances I guess you could call it. You can't live with another human being and not have some problems and friction at times. Although, we had a good relationship, I felt there was some room to improve..to grow as a couple, maybe challenge each other to be better people. Treat each other with a little more respect and grow even closer.

I came across the whole concept of Domestic Discipline one day, and I have to say, I was equally horrified and fascinated at the same time. I found myself going back time after  time to read more about it. It was mostly Clint's blog that I visited, but there were a few others too. I literally spent hours reading DD blogs. In a shockingly short amount of time, I starting thinking that maybe this wasn't so crazy after all. It actually started making a lot of sense to me.  I read over and over about how much it improved relationships. The testimonials were very consistent and there were lots of them!

I got to thinking that this is something I would really like to try, but there's no way my husband would go along with this. In fact, I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it with him for fear he would think I was a little crazy. I'm sure you guys know what I mean. This lifestyle is just not considered to be "normal" by most people. So, what to do?

I came across an idea from a few different blogs, although the main one to give me the idea was one called Taken In Hand. Anyway, the idea was to just start living "as if" I already had a DD marriage. To pretend! Okay, I can do this and see what happens.

I immediately started changing the way I spoke to my husband. I tried very hard to speak  softly and with respect. Not that I was so bad before, but there were times I was downright rude and I tend to be a control freak. I showed him I valued his opinions by asking him his advice on things and then I actually followed his advice! When he asked me where I wanted to eat, I asked him to pick the restaurant. I handed him the remote when he got home. I asked him before making any significant purchases. I quickly apologized when I should have instead of being defensive like I usually was. I would get off the phone with my friend when he walked in the door instead of continuing to talk. I made him the number one priority in my life. Everyday in as many ways as I could think of, I lived "as if".

Wow, it made a huge difference! You better believe he noticed the changes, and he loved them!
We grew so much closer, our communication went through the roof, our sex life was amazing. In short, our marriage was literally transformed. 

You may be thinking it was all one sided. Of course he would be happy, he gets everything his way now, right? The really interesting thing is that he changed too. He became an even better man! The more I stepped back, the more he stepped forward. The more respectfully I treated him, the more respectfully he treated me. The more I asked his opinion, the more he took the time to think and give a carefully considered answer. The more I treated him like he was a VIP in my life, the more he treated me as one in his.

So now, it was time to "bite the bullet" and tell him about Domestic Discipline. One night, when the time seemed right, I brought up the subject of our improved relationship. He agreed that things were much better. Then I told him about DD and how I had been living it. He gave me his undivided attention and asked several questions and seemed pretty open to the idea. Until, that is, I got to the inevitable part about punishments. He got pretty uncomfortable at that point and seemed a little freaked out, so I let the subject drop. I could tell though, that he was thinking about it. I just let it ride for a week or so and then brought it up again. He had more questions that showed me he had indeed put a lot of thought into it. He was still reluctant though.

A few weeks later, on a day I was feeling a little grumpy and out of sorts, I had a bit of a meltdown. I won't go into details, but I was very rude and disrespectful to him. We were in a public place no less. The look of surprise and hurt on his face stayed with me, even after he accepted my apology. It had taken me a little while to cool down and apologize, even though I knew I was in the wrong. He gracefully accepted that apology, but things just weren't the same. I felt guilty and ashamed and I think he was hanging on to some resentment too.

So now, it was time to "bite the bullet" once again. I came right out and asked him to give me a spanking. I explained why I thought it would help both of us. He was very reluctant, and I asked again. Finally, he did it. It was fairly tentative and light, (and that's a whole different story), but it did the job. He saw that nothing bad happened, I was okay. He was okay. Everything was okay. Better than okay really. I felt the burden of guilt and remorse I had been carrying was gone. It was like the slate had been wiped clean and we were back to where we were before. We both learned a lot that day!  

I have had several spankings since that day, and I have to say my husband has become very good at it. He is no longer tentative or light. He gets the point across very effectively.

We still have a lot to learn and lots of growing to do in this new lifestyle. I do believe it's the best change we ever could have made.

Sorry this became such a novel, thank you for listening to my story.

15 comments:

  1. I really love this! that's exactly how i started too! IT worries me sometimes when people jump in with both feet! I think babysteps are the way to go!

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  2. I enjoyed reading your story so far. It is always great to read about improved marriages and how TTWD makes you closer. All the best.

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  3. His First Mate-Thanks! I'm glad to know someone else started the same way we did. I agree that doing everything all at once would be a lot harder!

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  4. SNP-Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed my story. All the best to you also!

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. What would you have done if your husband had refused to spank that day?

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    1. Hi Anonymous- That's a good question. I think I would have just continued living "as if", but it would have taken some of the wind out of my sails to be honest. Maybe he would have seen a change for the worse and reconsidered his no spanking stance.

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  6. I just came across your blog today and enjoyed reading. You and your husband are at an exciting place and I look forward to hearing about all the growth to come!

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    1. Molly Rose-Thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you've enjoyed reading my story so far. Who knows where this journey will lead...

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  7. What a wonderful story! So happy you shared it with us and give us hope that it is still doable!

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    1. NSBguy-Hello! Oh, it's definitely doable :) Thank you so much for letting me know you enjoyed my story. I really appreciate it. The thought that my story may have given hope to anyone makes me smile.

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  8. Hi Cowgirl Up,

    I just found your blog and really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing it with us!

    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna! I'm so glad you found my blog and enjoyed my story. Thank you so much for your kind words :)

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  9. Hi Cowgirl

    I just discovered your blog and your story sounds similar to mine. My DH and I are very new to this and I'm learning so much from all the wonderful ladies in blog-land. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog.

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    1. Hi Michele, and welcome! I'm glad you discovered me. There is an abundance of wonderful ladies and blogs here in our DD/TTWD community. My husband Blue and I are about 6 months into this new life. We're still learning and growing. I guess maybe that never stops. It's not always easy, but the rewards are great! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and I wish you and your DH much success!

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  10. Thank you SO MUCH for this post! I had decided to do the same and I am about six months into living "as if". How long did you live "as if" before you actually started DD? I am wondering how long I will have to wait.... Thanks again. When I am feeling discouraged I will read your post again and again and know there is hope for me too.

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Thank you so much for your comments! I love knowing that you were here :)